For you to be in a position to rescue America you must first lay the foundation to secure your own place in society. It’s not just a cliché that in America you can do anything you want and be anything you want. It’s all there for you, but it’s not free and it’s not without trials and tribulations. Imagine your teenage years as a railroad bridge that you must cross to get to the rest of your life. Proceed with caution and awareness. As you walk the bridge stay off the rails, lest you lose your balance and fall. With your eyes wide open steadfastly place your feet on solid structure. Stop occasionally and look to the other end of the bridge. That’s your destination, your goal. Don’t lose sight of it! Above all, don’t mistake or disregard that faint whistle in the distance. Your very life could depend upon it!
Before we begin the journey to your place in society I offer this fundamental truth. Even though at times you might think this isn’t true, please know that you are never alone. There are many people who are invested in you and your ultimate success. Your parents, your teachers, your advisors, close friends, the list goes on. Remember that all of us before you have walked the path you’re on and have had to cross that bridge. Reap the benefits of our experience. Shame on you if you stumble on a rock in your path that could have been avoided. At the very least, do everything you can to soften the landing if you do fall.
At this point I would also like to offer the first, and likely one of my most important, pieces of advice. Take advantage of that network of supporters that you have. Adopt one of them as your mentor. I say adopt because this action requires you to make the first move. Think about a person you idolize, trust, and respect. A person you see as your vision of success. A person that epitomizes whom you would like to be when you grow up. A person you can confide in, who can give you advice when you need it, and who can be your anchor. Many of you may think that this is an apt description of your parents, and I truly hope that that generally is the case. Yes, you could choose one of them as your mentor if you like, but I would contend that they are already there for you, and will try to mentor you to the extent that you will allow them to. Unfortunately; by that I mean you will not always agree with your parents (trust me, I know), or see eye to eye on, for example, the consequences they may choose to dole out if they disapprove of your behavior. I encourage you to adopt someone other than you parents. Broaden your network, your support structure. Approach that person and ask them if you could come to them for advice and support, if they would act as your sounding board, or if they would be willing to offer their thoughts and ideas when you have questions or challenges. My belief is that when you do that they will feel honored, it will make their day.
So with that as a prelude, let’s begin our trek across the bridge. Now is the time to begin contemplating what is important in your life. In times of challenge where is your home base? What are you willing to fight for; or even die for? The answers to these questions define your beliefs; the foundation and structure upon which you will live your life. The principles that will guide the choices and decisions you make. This is your DNA, what you are made of. Never feel the need to apologize for who you are, where you came from, or where you want to go in life. Hopefully you can see with clarity that there is no net benefit to wasting energy on things you have no control over or cannot change, and you should never feel the need to justify or demean your accomplishments and successes because of who you are or what others may say about you.
I think when you are in the present, it often can be hard to see what lies beyond. Right now the present is predominantly what matters to you. You want to be popular; you like to experiment and take risks; and many of you will have a laissez faire attitude about life in general. These attributes are not bad unless you allow them to blur your view of the future. Clear eyed teenage years are critical to seeing the many possibilities that are out there for you. So what is the most important thing to you right now? My guess is wanting to be accepted and having friends. I get it! I was there once too. Of all the choices you will make at this time in your life, the most significant of all may be the friends you choose and your circle of influence.
With that said, I’d like to address a dynamic that in all likelihood will determine what you get out of your friendships and how they may affect your future. That dynamic is influence, or shall we say, the capacity to affect or change someone in an important way. You will be pushed and pulled in many directions and how you respond to these forces will define you. We often speak of peer pressure. Peer pressure in all likelihood is the greatest influencer at this time in your life. There are two types of people, influencers and those that are influenced. Strive to be an influencer! Strive to influence your friends in a positive way relying on your beliefs as your guide. Strive to resist the peer pressures that would cause you to walk the rails or ignore that whistle in the distance. It’s hard sometimes to stand for what you believe in or to resist the external pressures that will come from multiple directions, but you can, and you must.
Let me shine a light on what I believe to be some of the most significant obstacles or hurdles you will face at this critical time. I see at least four. Poor grades, drugs and addiction, pregnancy, and getting in trouble with the law. I have no doubt that without exception, indiscretions in any of these areas will haunt you for part, or all, of your life. I can’t say that successfully navigating through your teenage years is a guarantee for a fruitful and prosperous life, but I can say unequivocally that bad choices in any of the following areas will likely dim your future in some significant way.
Poor grades: Probably the most encompassing activities in your life right now revolve around school. I know some of you see school as a chore and something that gets in the way of doing other things that you think are more enjoyable. Yeah, video games are exciting and challenging; YouTube allows you to pick and choose what you find enjoyable, or maybe even educational; and social media offers unlimited interactions with friends or whomever. I appreciate the fact that these things are important to you and so I’m not going to disparage them or suggest you stop doing them. The best I can do is try to convince you that everything in life is a balancing act and doing well in school deserves to be on one side of the balance offset by your other “joys” in life. It may be difficult at times to see the importance of learning English, math, science, or history. But why is that? Is it because you refuse to see any value in it, or maybe your human nature likes to resist, or maybe you just think it’s too hard. Whatever the case may be; it’s largely how you choose to view it, and yes, it is your choice.
Let me try to illustrate the importance of school and the value of learning and getting good grades. Imagine that you are suddenly 60 for a brief moment and you are looking back at some of your life experiences. Remember when you were 24 while looking for a better job and a prospective employer asked why they should seriously consider hiring you, with a 2.12 high school GPA, over other candidates with much higher GPA’s; or how about when your nine year old asked you how many pounds were in a kilogram; or what about that time when you were playing trivia with your future spouse’s family and you were embarrassed because you didn’t know how many Supreme Court Justices there were; or last but certainly not least, how about two years ago when you were in France and you didn’t know how much gas to pump in your rental car because the pump was graduated in liters. Hopefully; from these few simple examples you can see that the general knowledge you gain in school will be useful throughout your life, will give you a sense of self-confidence, and will be a source of satisfaction to you many times over.
And who says going to school can’t be fun? Yes, getting a solid education is key; but school offers the opportunity for you to meet lifelong friends (maybe even your life partner) and to learn things that will bring you lifelong enjoyment (e.g., music, art, woodworking, cooking, theatre). Then too you can participate in sports, perform in the marching band or choir, star in a school play, the list goes on. Take advantage of these many opportunities, they go with the price of admission.
So what about the grades? It’s a pretty simple answer. Like it or not grades are the measuring stick, the most obvious indicator of your success or failure. Grades aren’t necessarily measuring how smart you are. No; they also measure how motivated you are, how hard you work, how dependable you are, or even how well adjusted you are. Bad grades can keep you from graduating, or prevent you from getting into a college or technical school, or deprive you of landing that good job. Whatever you do, give it your best. Why would you choose to do otherwise? Don’t doom yourself to a life of struggle or unfulfilled dreams because you don’t have the necessary credentials to realize those dreams.
Drugs and addiction: You live in a time when certain drugs are being legalized, new and more potent drugs are being introduced into the population, and society in general seems more accepting of drug use such as cannabis for both medical and recreational purposes. As a teen in the 60’s (and particularly during my college days) I saw first-hand what an epidemic of drug use looked like. I often quip that on my college campus there were two dominant smells wherever I went; marijuana and tear gas (this was also during the height of the Viet Nam war demonstrations). The smell of marijuana was in the dorms, in the mess halls, in elevators, in the classrooms, and most outdoor spaces. It was everywhere! It was college, so I get it! But the smell of marijuana was the least of it. Behind that smoke screen was a much more consequential drug use problem. Amphetamines, crack, LSD, heroine,…, drugs that could and often did destroy lives.
At the risk of sounding like an old fogey, I might characterize the times you live in as the return of the 1960’s, or maybe even the 1960’s on steroids with respect to drug use. Not only are the “hard” drugs from the 1960’s still out there, there are some new ones whose use could be at least as consequential as the ones in the 60s, or even more so. Then too, not only is the menu of drugs wider, but their potencies are higher. In short, the world of drug use is a very perilous and scary place.
So as not to be a hypocrite, when I was in my late teen years, my “drug” of choice was alcohol (mostly beer). In my state it was legal to drink beer at 18, and so it became a “right” of passage to imbibe frequently, sometimes to an extreme. Yes, there were times I was impaired to the point that I didn’t remember driving home, or the room was spinning as if I was riding on the Tilt-a-Whirl at the county fair. Was getting drunk back then a good thing? With the hindsight winds at my back, of course not!
I will forewarn you that resisting the use of drugs will be hard. They are readily available, peer pressure to use them will be intense, and the itch to experiment will need scratching. There will be many people who will try to coerce you into thinking that getting high is an opportunity to exit the real world, to find a feel good place, or maybe just a chance to get away from it all. Some would have you believe that the most prevalent drug, cannabis, is harmless and that it does not offer the prospect of graduating to the ranks of harder drug use. Please do not buy into the false sales pitches. Do not chance sacrificing a lifetime of success and happiness by making a temporary, and in many cases, destructive life choice. A choice that could tragically dim a promising future and curtail the limitless possibilities that that future can offer you.
I am a very analytical person and I tend to make choices and decisions with the benefit of facts and rational thought. A key factor that goes into rational thought is a consideration of risk. Risk is a measure of exposure to danger, harm, or loss; and everything in life has some level of risk associated with it. I think it goes without saying that with respect to risk; drug use could easily be characterized as your Russian Roulette, and on its face, due to the potential damage it can cause to your well-being and future happiness should be avoided at all cost. This is Russian Roulette with five bullets in the cylinder, not just one!
But there is a second factor of risk associated with drug use that scares the heck out of me when in hindsight I put it in my own context of drinking too much; and that is impairment. Why does it scare me? Two reasons; (1), when you are impaired your assessment of risk and the actions you may take are seriously flawed, and (2), your body’s response to any outside influence is delayed and oftentimes ill-advised. I think back about what could have been when I was drunk, driving a car, doing whatever. I could have been seriously hurt myself, or seriously hurt someone else. Could you imagine how you would feel if you were responsible for seriously injuring, or worse, taking someone’s life when you were impaired. Just the thought causes me to shutter. Don’t risk looking in the rearview mirror of your life and seeing a scene that you wish with all your heart you could take back or do over. Sadly what appears in your rearview mirror will not change and you will not forget!
Lastly, realize that wise decisions require knowledge. Do your research on the harm drugs can bring you, and if you need strength to resist these forces, reach out for help. Caring people are out there just waiting for your call. Don’t roll the dice on this, it’s way too easy to crap out. My hope is that you will see the light, and when you do, you will become an influencer. Turn the tables and advocate with your friends to stay off the rails.
Unplanned/Unwanted Pregnancy: So you’re a 15 or 16 year old sophomore or junior in high school. You’re in a relationship and you think you’re in love. Invariably your hormones will overrule rational thought and morality. Caution and common sense will be relegated to the backseat. And, what the heck, as long as you’re in the backseat let’s be adventurous and have some fun. Whether your first time, or an encore, two months later you could come to realize that that little adventure in the back seat has created a complication.
Don’t get me wrong, nothing is more fulfilling than bringing a new human being into the world. But not at this time in your life! It’s not fair to you, your partner, or the baby. No matter what your circumstances at this age may be, such an indiscretion will inevitably pose challenges and all participants will pay a substantial price. It goes without saying that a teenage pregnancy will have much greater impact on you if you are a girl, but a moral and accountable father will also be impacted. An ill-advised pregnancy will force you to make life decisions long before their time. As we have said over and over again, now is a time to figure out who you are, what’s important to you, and where you want to go in life. And oh; one other thing, to get a good education. An abrupt right turn will not get you to the desired destination, or at least it will make it a much longer trip.
Think about it! If you are a moral and accountable person as I hope you will be; you will likely need to drop out of school, at least one of you will need to get a job, and the baby will need to be dominant in the decisions you make. Unfortunately you will have lost the ability to make unencumbered decisions. Sure, you could make a rash decision to terminate the pregnancy and in so doing you may think life will go on as planned. I very much doubt that. I’ve heard far too many stories of how the ghosts of those decisions past will find a way to haunt you possibly for the rest of your life. My hope is that you will be able to successfully navigate through the minefield of first love, teenage sex, and morality without a “gift” arriving that is best experienced at a more opportune time in your life.
Trouble with the Law: I hope it goes without saying that laws are to be followed, but with that said, there are times that we might “push the envelope” or just plain make a mistake and get caught. We all make mistakes, and in all likelihood if they are minor infractions, you’ll get a second chance without experiencing any major consequences. With that said, the reason that this issue is one of my top four is because failure to follow the law, or worse yet, to intentionally violate them could carry consequences that will plague you for your entire life. Trust me on this! A criminal record will not just close doors for you; it will securely lock them and the key will be lost forever.
Without sounding like a broken record; during your teenage years peer pressure, going along with the crowd, or just trying to show off can cause you to do things that could have very disastrous outcomes. I’m not just speaking of speeding with your car, having one beer while being underage, or maybe even trespassing on someone’s property. What I am talking about are things like illegal drug use, drunken driving, shoplifting, or maybe even getting into a fight. In some of these cases getting caught doing the act may be the least of your worries; but the act itself could lead to even more disastrous outcomes like injuring someone when driving while under the influence, or causing bodily harm during the fisticuffs. These outcomes could be determined to be criminal and you could be charged with crimes that could rise to the level of a felony. Do not doubt that a felony on your record will never go away. You would never be able to answer the question; Are you a felon?, on a job application without it being a consistent reason for rejection. Devastating!
Now I am not suggesting that any of you are destined to get in trouble with the law or commit a felony, but I am suggesting that everyone needs to be mindful. Do not purposely push the envelope or challenge the bounds of the law because, more times than not, that will turn out badly for you. I also can’t emphasize this enough, but how you respond to the police if you ever get into an enforcement situation is crucial. Own up to your mistakes! No one ever gets off or ends up with lesser consequences by resisting or trying to flee. In fact I would argue that nearly every incident that gets out of hand is because someone does not follow the policeman’s orders. If you are caught, do as you’re told. Do not make a potentially bad situation even worse. I guarantee, in almost all cases, you will lose that battle!
In discussing Your Place in society I believe I would be remiss if I did not wade into what is clearly deep water. We all have unique life stories, and of course, we all have different beginnings. This fact motivates me to speak to those of you who are part of a minority group. In so doing, please know that I do not pretend for a minute to know or possibly understand each of your individual life experiences or situations. Some will criticize me for daring to speak to the subject of racism in America. But regardless of what color, race, or ethnic group you come from I urge you not to buy into the drone and rhetoric of people who can’t let go of the past. Don’t let past racial strife become a self-fulfilling prophecy for your future. The past can’t be changed and it will only weigh you down. Yes; learn from it and let it help guide you, but push forward. Push through whatever racist attitudes and behaviors might still exist in our country. Now I’m not naïve, and I know for some of you it will be more difficult than others to achieve and succeed. But each and every one of you has the capacity to succeed and it begins by refusing to accept “no you can’t”. You absolutely can; as an individual and as a group!
I do not believe that racism in American society today should be described as “systemic”. To do so is to deny the enormous progress we have made in mitigating the racism that existed in our country centuries, or even a few short decades, ago. That was systemic racism! The racist views and behaviors that still exist today are founded in the extreme prejudices that came from those difficult times in our history. Unfortunately, in spite of the progress we’ve made, there is a significant faction in our society today that seems bent on creating perilous undercurrents that threaten to pull us back into those deepest waters of racism. You and I cannot allow that to happen! We must move forward; not backward. We must resist the undercurrents and do whatever we can to further reduce, and eventually eliminate, the vestiges of racism in American society.
We are not born with prejudices; but in most cases we all develop, or maybe I should say we inherit, our first prejudices from our caretakers, usually our parents. As difficult and unfortunate as it may be, most prejudices die hard and their tempering and eventual exclusion usually come from experience coupled with healing due to the passage of time. I believe this tempering process is incremental and in fact in the case of racism will happen over a period of generations. In that regard, we’re clearly not at our destination, but we have a lot of miles behind us.
If you will allow me I would like to share some of my own experiences to try to illustrate my tempering/exclusion premise. Many people in my parent’s generation tended to treat minorities in ways that were racist by any modern day definition. These behaviors were passed down to them by previous generations and some were forged by their own experiences. Of course, then in my generation, whatever prejudices we harbored early in life similarly came from them. That was our reality. Fortunately, I think in many ways my generation was able to temper racist prejudices more extensively than previous generations because of the civil rights movement and the overdue underscoring of the many racial inequalities in our country. My first interaction with people of a different race was with a family of seasonal Mexican workers that came every year to pick cucumbers in our neighbor’s fields. I played with their kids. I looked forward to them coming every summer. As I became a teenager in the 60’s the country was finally being forced to deal with the ugliness of racial discrimination and oppression. This, of course, was very eye opening for many, including me, and it had a profound influence on my understanding and awareness of the racial injustices that existed at that time. In my late teen years, I started college and I was able to interact directly with minority students. To me it seemed like they were enjoying the freedoms of college life while struggling at times to get through just as I was. Was I blind to racial injustices at that time? I’m sure I was.
After graduating from college, I worked with and supervised people from diverse walks of life and backgrounds. One experience that was particularly eye opening for me was when I was meeting with an employee, an African American woman, as we tried to address a situation in the office that was distressing her. During that discussion she made a profound statement, and one that exposed my lack of sensitivity to her struggles. She said to me, “You go home to get away from work, I come to work to get away from home.” Think of it, home for her was not a place of refuge, a place to appreciate, or a place she wanted to go back to. That was a hard thing for me to wrap my head around. I am thankful for that experience, but it also makes me mindful that for some of you that may be your reality even today.
As I said earlier, prejudices die hard; but die they do! My parent’s generation took to the grave significant racial prejudice and my generation will take with us a lessened prejudice, but probably still significant. To say your parents (my kids) and you (my grandkids), started from a far different place than I did regarding racial prejudices (or lack thereof), probably rivals the greatest understatement I’ve ever made. Your “normal” includes minority playmates, minority friends, minority neighbors and minority workmates. Racially diverse families are also part of your norm. Clearly we all have similar needs, we all have hopes and dreams, and we all want to live in harmony. I know what I’m saying comes across differently depending upon who you are, your race, or your beginnings. We can’t change that, but we can change where we go from here. We can move forward and eliminate racial prejudice in America if your generation will take the wheel and drive us home. And above all, do not allow our societal challenges to dictate Your Place. That is for You to decide!
I also feel obliged to try to make our way through some stretches of treacherous white water without capsizing. Everyone experiences ups and downs, successes and failures, and happiness and sorrow. It’s part of living, and it’s quite likely that your teenage years may be the first time you will face many of these emotions and experiences. Success is what we all strive for and when we achieve it we feel joy, or maybe even euphoria. No better feeling then beating your friend at a video game; winning a race; passing a difficult exam; being accepted at your favorite college; or maybe even meeting your first love. In these examples, your biggest challenge may be keeping your good fortune in perspective; and believe it or not, exhibiting some sensitivity for the feelings of those on the losing end. Manage your successes; don’t gloat, don’t brag, don’t let them consume you. Let them be motivators for bigger and better things in your future.
The more difficult side of the success/failure equation is, of course, dealing with events or circumstances that don’t go according to plan and don’t achieve desired results. As I’ve said, failure too, is a matter of living and we all experience it at some times in our lives. Some failures for sure are more significant than others and our emotional and physical distress when that happens can be substantial, sometimes heartbreaking, and at times seemingly almost unbearable.
What does failure look like? Well, for starters I suppose the opposite of the examples of success I gave above could be somewhat representative of a failure spectrum. But it’s the extreme end of that spectrum that I want to speak to. By extreme I mean something happens that you perceive to be so devastating that you actually question your desire or reasons for living. Initial reactions to failure can be anywhere from a short cry to a seemingly unbearable urge to give up. In those situations you must allow time to calm the storm and temper your feelings; you must allow reason to provide perspective; and you must come to accept that nothing is so hopeless that you would contemplate no longer living. At those times you must realize that you are precious as to be immeasurable in human terms; you are dear to so many; and you have so much to give. Please, please, please ask for help if you need it. Someone is always out there to throw you a lifeline. Grasp it and hang on. Your loved ones implore you; society supports you, and America needs you.